The Day I Almost Walked Away…
I don’t talk about this often, but there was a moment I almost gave up - on my business, and honestly, on myself. Here’s what kept me from walking away…
In December of 2017, my divorce was finalized from my 10 year marriage. I had gone from living in a big house with a home studio and was now living in a 1 bedroom apartment. I remember how I had handpainted these 7 foot tall boards as backgrounds and since I no longer had room for them, I had to break them down and throw them in the garbage. Simply put, it was devastating.
One day your life is going on a trajectory that’s predictable and the next, it’s upside down. I mean, sure I knew there was something amiss, but we always swept it under the rug. I thought it would just continue that way for the rest of our lives - deep down I knew something was missing, and I was too desperate to try to fix myself and fit the mold he wanted that I didn’t see the truth.
He was already dating before our divorce was final, and within 6 months, I found out (because for some reason some family members were still Facebook friends with him) he was getting married in our home and they took photos in the studio that used to be mine.
Deep breath.
Let me back up a little bit. During this lonely time, I was drinking those Trader Joe bottles of wine per night and decided to spy on him on the dating site. I was horrified at how many options there were (how replaceable I was - he constantly reminded me in our worst arguments). I was even more horrified at how truly terrible people’s photos were online. A light bulb clicked in my head: I COULD DO DATING SITE PHOTOS! These people needed help! However, I realized a few things: I had no idea how dating sites worked so how could I know how to shoot them. So the next step came naturally, I had to make a dating profile. Once I knew how dating sites worked, I can solicit for those and that’s how my new business will grow!
That night in my apartment, I changed outfits, posed myself, leaned my phone on random things around the apartment… suddenly, my curiosity (and spying) led me to actually be excited about something again, and all of a sudden a glimmer that maybe there was someone out there who would love me for who I was. Was I really doing “research”? It was probably liquid courage. There was a roller coaster of emotions and doubts and shame. It got worse when all 100+ messages were just…. empty. So I felt lonelier than ever. I even got berated by a jilted would be online suitor for clicking “not interested” because he said it’s more polite to just ignore rather than outright say not interested. But I digress.
One person did stand out to me. And here we are 7 years later, he was the only one I went out on a date with. The problem was, I signed up for the 6 month special. I just wish the universe warned me in advance I’d meet the love of my life right away. I could’ve saved some money.
Is there a point to this? Yes. No. Maybe.
I can look back now 7 years later and see that it doesn’t matter what happens in my life, even when physical circumstances change, my purpose is still going to find me. I will always keep going towards whatever it is that I am meant to do in this lifetime. I was finding ways to continue photography even without my home studio. I will always find a way.
7 years later, I can now be grateful for that awful lonely experience of letting go of a 10 year marriage, a broken promise because I know exactly what I don’t want. I know that it is a two way street when you have a relationship, you have to stand on your own two feet. I know that the big picture for my life is helping others see themselves through photography.
I also know without a doubt that there is a benevolent force that always guides me in the direction that I need to go, many times through bizarre channels. I just need to listen, get curious, and follow that little glimmer or the little spark.
When was a moment you almost gave up on yourself or your dream? What kept you going - or what could keep you going next time? Has a little glimmer or spark ever led you down a path you didn’t expect? I’d love to hear about it.
Sometimes maybe it’s just about the courage to take the next step. Or maybe it’s not even an option, so in the end, the awful thing that happened 7 years ago was the best thing that happened to me. Life is weird. I love it.
Love,
Marj